Thankful for last days with my final clinical instructor, watching 3 of my patients discharge home before Thanksgiving, encouragement from clinicians that I am on the right path, and for God's absolute grace!
Today was a special day for me. It marked the end of my time as a student. Sure, I have a few things left to do to make everything official but today marks the beginning of the end. As I look back over the past 3 years and especially the last year I can only raise my hands in praise to my Abba because without Him I wouldn't be here today.
It's so easy to take encouragement and praise and allow it to be blocks to build yourself up with but today as my clinical instructor gave me my final remarks I realized just how deeply God's love has changed me. While my clinical abilities were graded as good it was my professionalism and ability to interact with patients, parents, and co-workers that was so applauded. And the crazy thing about that is without Jesus I wouldn't have those attributes.
You see, before Jesus remarkably changed the projection of my life, I was all about me. I wanted nothing more than to fill my life with the pleasures and idols of this world. I ran consistently and faithfully towards satisfaction , that never provided fulfillment. I was completely selfish, self-oriented, self-controlled and absolutely not self-giving. I used others to make me feel better about myself and greatly relied on their constant praise to feel "okay." I sought peer recognition and when I didn't get it I rejected the person who refused to give it to me and bashed their weaknesses. I was incredibly self-conscious and daily beat myself up for my faults physically and mentally. I was a liar. I was promiscuous in my dating relationships. I was disrespectful towards my family. I was manipulative. And I sought one thing, to be better than everyone else.
But now I am changed. I am a daughter of the King of Kings and He is my compass. He is what I consistently and faithfully runs towards. I yearn more and more of Him and seek His face daily. I crave fulfillment from His word and know that the only person I need to accept me did so before I was born by dying a excruciating death. And even greater than that He rose again and He lives today in me! He daily turns my heart of stone into a heart of flesh and His work in me is good but never done. He is molding me into His image despite the fact that I am completely unworthy. He builds me up each time I fall, and fall I do so often.
It is because of Him, and only Him, that I can give my all in daily situations. It is because of Him that I am able to be joyful in struggle, patient in difficult times, and understanding of the situations others find themselves in. And it is because of Him that I have succeeded in this difficult program.
There were so many times I wanted to give up because it was too hard and I grew too weary, but He was steadfast. He lifted my head and wiped tears from my eyes as I cried out to Him during my first semester to send me out of this country and into the mission field. And He whispered to me to remain faithful and to be patient. He gave me perseverance and rest during the stressful semesters that followed. He filled me with peace when I felt like a failure. He loved my heart so deeply that He provided me with comforting, encouraging and supporting friends, who despite the turmoil of this year stood by my side as I questioned whether I should continue on in PT school or move home to be with my family. He lovingly set me in my place when my sense of self-worth grew too big by providing me with a difficult last clinical rotation and a challenging clinical instructor. He never gave up on me. He never turned away. And through it all He was drawing me closer and closer to Himself.
I am thankful that He has opened my eyes to see that the achievements I have made in my life are for His glory not my own. My life could end tomorrow but my hope is that the way I lived would ripple away from my central core out into the lives of those I have interacted with and that their eyes would turn to the Creator of All Things.
My joy now longer stems from the praise of others but rather by projecting my praise to my good Father. Each day is a battle between the desires of my flesh and the gentle calling of The Spirit. I know that I will fall again but I know that my God is bigger and He will not forsake me. He loves me too much to allow me to destroy myself.
Sanctification isn't always an enjoyable process. Most of the time it's quite painful and it's hard because it's stone on stone, but I know that where I am now is greater than the life I planned before I was saved at 18. And for that I will continually raise my hands in praise.
Thank you Abba Father.
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