Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Day 119
Thankful for delicious roasted coffee from local shops, beautiful sunny days, and cruising with the windows down.
Day 118
Thankful for car rides and conversations with Dad.
Traveled to Houston today to accompany Dad during his follow up appointments with Dr. Walsh at MD Anderson. Everything is looking great and his doctor said we are done with treatment. He said my Dad would live to be an old man and I pray that he is right. So thankful for the amazing g staff at MDAnderson and for God's loving ability to heal. I have learned to enjoy each day despite the frustrations and shortcomings that may arise. Hug your parents while you can. Call them weekly. And always tell the that you love them.
Traveled to Houston today to accompany Dad during his follow up appointments with Dr. Walsh at MD Anderson. Everything is looking great and his doctor said we are done with treatment. He said my Dad would live to be an old man and I pray that he is right. So thankful for the amazing g staff at MDAnderson and for God's loving ability to heal. I have learned to enjoy each day despite the frustrations and shortcomings that may arise. Hug your parents while you can. Call them weekly. And always tell the that you love them.
Days 116&117
I didn't have Internet for a few days and when I lost the routine of blogging I forgot about it but I am back!
Thankful for weekend getaway trips to the lake with Lindsey and her parents. I am thankful that they will be welcoming me into their home for the next few months so I can save up money and be close to my clinical site.
Thankful for weekend getaway trips to the lake with Lindsey and her parents. I am thankful that they will be welcoming me into their home for the next few months so I can save up money and be close to my clinical site.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Day 115
Thankful for SURVIVING PT SCHOOL and CELEBRATING WITH AMAZING CLASSMATES who have become incredible friends! I cannot believe I am done with the class work of PT school. A few months of clinicals and then I graduate. God has been undeniably faithful. He has been my rock throughout this entire prices. He has been my source of renewal and rest. And He has constantly given me small reminders that this is His calling for my life. There are so many unknowns about the upcoming months to come but I know one thing: God is sovereign. He will guide my feet along His path. And His plans are always better than my own. To Him be all glory and praise!
Day 114
Thankful for reminiscing about amazing campers and counselors at MDA camp last year, last night spent studying for PT finals, and finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! Last day of classes tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Day 113
Thankful for early morning scripture time, last lecture day (EVER.), hot coffee on cold days (seriously, do I still live in Texas? Why is it cold in April? I should be complaining about the heat by now), amazing study playlists and delicious new recipes.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Day 112
Thankful for being able to cross of one exam from my list of things to do (seriously y'all I have 3 more days of class...like ever), shopping expeditions with Lindsey, quick convos with Dad, and encouragement from seeing God work in the lives of young adults.
God is working like CRAZY in the lives of young adults here in the states. I feel a wave of change displayed through their acts of generosity and their desire to serve. I know that God is doing something incredible with the youth of this country and I pray that their passions have a marked effect on the generations before and after them. One of my old highschool friends has a younger sister who will be participating in a bike riding expedition from Seattle, Washington to Portland, Oregon to raise money to BATTLE modern slavery. I know many of you who read this blog are in graduate school or are out of work or are trying to figure out where you belong right now, but this young lady deserves our prayers and if possible our money. Here's a link to her event page: http://www.ventureexpeditions.org/profile/SierraRogers . You can donate to her trip by using the donate tab and then finding "Sierra Rogers" under the Sponsor a Participant option. Please consider giving what you can. I'll be honest and tell you that I gave $10. This may not seem like a lot but it's what I have at this time. This will mean no extraneous meals at a restaurant, no extra starbucks drinks and I should probably avoid Jamba Juice as well. But on a serious note, every little sum adds up to a grand total that God will use to cultivate the hearts of people to end a devastating system of abuse and neglect.
But beyond that, join me in prayer for Sierra. Pray that God would build a wall of prayer warriors around her to block out any negativity or doubt that the evil one WILL be throwing at her. Let's be honest about the way the evil one works. He is absolutely against all things of God. He loves for us to live in a state of complacency and comfort. He loves when we mold to the ways of the world and deny the pulling of God to a different path. He loves to fill us with doubt and he draws us away from The Lord and His compassion. Pray that she would not be anxious but would trust God and His plan for her life. Pray that God would use this trip to END modern slavery but to also mend and woo Sierra's heart to Him in a way that she has never experienced.
Habakkuk 1:5 "Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days-- You would not believe if you were told."
God is working like CRAZY in the lives of young adults here in the states. I feel a wave of change displayed through their acts of generosity and their desire to serve. I know that God is doing something incredible with the youth of this country and I pray that their passions have a marked effect on the generations before and after them. One of my old highschool friends has a younger sister who will be participating in a bike riding expedition from Seattle, Washington to Portland, Oregon to raise money to BATTLE modern slavery. I know many of you who read this blog are in graduate school or are out of work or are trying to figure out where you belong right now, but this young lady deserves our prayers and if possible our money. Here's a link to her event page: http://www.ventureexpeditions.org/profile/SierraRogers . You can donate to her trip by using the donate tab and then finding "Sierra Rogers" under the Sponsor a Participant option. Please consider giving what you can. I'll be honest and tell you that I gave $10. This may not seem like a lot but it's what I have at this time. This will mean no extraneous meals at a restaurant, no extra starbucks drinks and I should probably avoid Jamba Juice as well. But on a serious note, every little sum adds up to a grand total that God will use to cultivate the hearts of people to end a devastating system of abuse and neglect.
But beyond that, join me in prayer for Sierra. Pray that God would build a wall of prayer warriors around her to block out any negativity or doubt that the evil one WILL be throwing at her. Let's be honest about the way the evil one works. He is absolutely against all things of God. He loves for us to live in a state of complacency and comfort. He loves when we mold to the ways of the world and deny the pulling of God to a different path. He loves to fill us with doubt and he draws us away from The Lord and His compassion. Pray that she would not be anxious but would trust God and His plan for her life. Pray that God would use this trip to END modern slavery but to also mend and woo Sierra's heart to Him in a way that she has never experienced.
Habakkuk 1:5 "Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days-- You would not believe if you were told."
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Day 111
Thankful for delicious brunch with Bekah, study sessions with Lindsey, providing and nurturing parents, encouragement from simple sermons, and the release that can be found my complete worship!
"There wasn't enough resiliency on the inside to match its appearance on the outside" - The Resolution
I spent much of the day in a weird state of self absorption. I was focused so much on my shortcomings that I was overwhelmed with self-doubt. I was focused on me. I was reading through my devotional on integrity and it all kind of clicked. By living with integrity we live in a state of absolute freedom. We are free from the constant fear of being "caught" or "found out", instead we boast about our failings so that the power of Christ can rest on us. (2 Corinthians 12:9) You see by choosing to align our standards with God's purpose we forfeit our selfishness. We can no longer focus on ourselves because our aims are not our own. We must turn to the Lord in all things! We can praise His name in all circumstances and we can freely worship and give all of ourselves to bring glory to The Kingdom. As we experience the world around us we are able to view everything through the lens of God. We are no longer blinded by our own ambitions but our free to act on our true calling. We must fix, bind, paste, mold ourselves to God's strength because we will fail. We need and yearn for accountability. We cannot be "functional saviors".
Deuteronomy 11:18-21 "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on yours gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth."
"There wasn't enough resiliency on the inside to match its appearance on the outside" - The Resolution
I spent much of the day in a weird state of self absorption. I was focused so much on my shortcomings that I was overwhelmed with self-doubt. I was focused on me. I was reading through my devotional on integrity and it all kind of clicked. By living with integrity we live in a state of absolute freedom. We are free from the constant fear of being "caught" or "found out", instead we boast about our failings so that the power of Christ can rest on us. (2 Corinthians 12:9) You see by choosing to align our standards with God's purpose we forfeit our selfishness. We can no longer focus on ourselves because our aims are not our own. We must turn to the Lord in all things! We can praise His name in all circumstances and we can freely worship and give all of ourselves to bring glory to The Kingdom. As we experience the world around us we are able to view everything through the lens of God. We are no longer blinded by our own ambitions but our free to act on our true calling. We must fix, bind, paste, mold ourselves to God's strength because we will fail. We need and yearn for accountability. We cannot be "functional saviors".
Deuteronomy 11:18-21 "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on yours gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the Lord swore to give your forefathers as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth."
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Day 110
Thankful for productive mornings, free coffee, lunch with an amazing&encouraging friend, lazy evenings, home baked snacks and baseball games!
I am sinner. No really. A deep, dark sinner. I hide my disgraces and flaunt my successes. I praise God's name when I'm walking on the straight and narrow path, and I hide from Him when I give in to sin. Why does God love the sinner? It's unfathomable how many times a day the world sins. How many times a minute do the people of God fail to uphold His calling? How often do we simply give in the the flesh? How many excuses God must hear about why we did it and how we couldn't help it or how it wasn't as bad as last time. Shouldn't He be exhausted? I would be. To think of a friend constantly betraying my trust and love is devastating It wouldn't be long until I would turn from that person and leave them to their own devices. But not God. He continues to clean up our messes like a diligent house worker. He belittles Himself and comes down to our level to give us understanding and grace that we in no way deserve. And yet I continue on this cycle. I mess up, repent, dust myself off, start to feel good about myself again and then I'm entangled in sin again. I try and fix myself every time. It never works.
Tonight I pray on my knees. Which is different than my normal "prayer position". I was reading about the meaning behind prayer and why people pray on their knees. Kneeling requires a state of humility. It requires that we recognize our insignificance and give God the true recognition of His superiority. It's the perfect place for confession, repentance and awe. I'd never really considered prayer positions but shouldn't prayer be an act of the entire body? A way to demonstrate the sacrifice of our entirety? It's an opportunity for me to tune out the world and sit quietly at the feet of Jesus to soak in the grace that He gave through His blood. I am such a weary and burdened sinner, yet I can rise to my feet with a sense of strength because my God will not abandon me to selfishness, pride or self-fulfillment. He is constantly and continually shaping me into being a woman of God. As an old bible study leader used to say, "We are each a block of wood that God continually chips away until we become this intricate being. Look at your hands. It's line, crease and indentation was put their for a reason by a mighty God. It's a time consuming task. It can be painful. Sometimes He takes small slivers other times large chunks but the final creation is a thing of beauty." To God be the glory!
I am sinner. No really. A deep, dark sinner. I hide my disgraces and flaunt my successes. I praise God's name when I'm walking on the straight and narrow path, and I hide from Him when I give in to sin. Why does God love the sinner? It's unfathomable how many times a day the world sins. How many times a minute do the people of God fail to uphold His calling? How often do we simply give in the the flesh? How many excuses God must hear about why we did it and how we couldn't help it or how it wasn't as bad as last time. Shouldn't He be exhausted? I would be. To think of a friend constantly betraying my trust and love is devastating It wouldn't be long until I would turn from that person and leave them to their own devices. But not God. He continues to clean up our messes like a diligent house worker. He belittles Himself and comes down to our level to give us understanding and grace that we in no way deserve. And yet I continue on this cycle. I mess up, repent, dust myself off, start to feel good about myself again and then I'm entangled in sin again. I try and fix myself every time. It never works.
Tonight I pray on my knees. Which is different than my normal "prayer position". I was reading about the meaning behind prayer and why people pray on their knees. Kneeling requires a state of humility. It requires that we recognize our insignificance and give God the true recognition of His superiority. It's the perfect place for confession, repentance and awe. I'd never really considered prayer positions but shouldn't prayer be an act of the entire body? A way to demonstrate the sacrifice of our entirety? It's an opportunity for me to tune out the world and sit quietly at the feet of Jesus to soak in the grace that He gave through His blood. I am such a weary and burdened sinner, yet I can rise to my feet with a sense of strength because my God will not abandon me to selfishness, pride or self-fulfillment. He is constantly and continually shaping me into being a woman of God. As an old bible study leader used to say, "We are each a block of wood that God continually chips away until we become this intricate being. Look at your hands. It's line, crease and indentation was put their for a reason by a mighty God. It's a time consuming task. It can be painful. Sometimes He takes small slivers other times large chunks but the final creation is a thing of beauty." To God be the glory!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Day 109
Thankful for last Friday classes, delicious home cooked stuffed peppers, Harvest Apple Ale, and awesome hardworking friends.
I've been praying for our country lately and I have realized that we desperately need a revolution! We need God's love desperately in the States. We need people to stop focusing on themselves and focus on God. We need to encourage one another through The Word. And we need to rely on The One who created it all.
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12 NIV)
I've been praying for our country lately and I have realized that we desperately need a revolution! We need God's love desperately in the States. We need people to stop focusing on themselves and focus on God. We need to encourage one another through The Word. And we need to rely on The One who created it all.
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12 NIV)
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Day 108
Incredibly thankful tomorrow is Friday because this week has been exhausting. Lots of projects, class time, and studying. Only a few more days till I am done with class work FOREVER. this is real life...
Thankful for coffee, laughter, and hanging out with friends even if that means working on projects/practicing manual skills/studying.
Thankful for coffee, laughter, and hanging out with friends even if that means working on projects/practicing manual skills/studying.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Day 107
Thankful for being able to cross tasks off my to-do list! Cannot believe there are only 5 class days left and then I am off on clinicals for the rest of the year. No more school! No more school! Finally!
Also, there is a storm blowing I tonight and I can already hear the rustling of leaves outside my window. It's these moments of quiet that I begin to think about how miraculous the past few months have bee. They've been an emotional roller coaster for sure,but I have been reminded of my absolute dependence and God. It's beautiful when You know without a doubt that you can rely on so,some. That despite your faults and set backs they will be your motivator, encourager and biggest proponent. To imagine that the God of the universe would love me deeply enough to be that force in my life is unfathomable. But He is all those things and so much more.
Also, there is a storm blowing I tonight and I can already hear the rustling of leaves outside my window. It's these moments of quiet that I begin to think about how miraculous the past few months have bee. They've been an emotional roller coaster for sure,but I have been reminded of my absolute dependence and God. It's beautiful when You know without a doubt that you can rely on so,some. That despite your faults and set backs they will be your motivator, encourager and biggest proponent. To imagine that the God of the universe would love me deeply enough to be that force in my life is unfathomable. But He is all those things and so much more.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Day 106
Thankful for early morning devotionals, patient labs, hugs from professors (praising Dad's negative biopsy results), rant sessions with best friends, delicious and healthy home cooked meals, and dark chocolate (just eating the calories I didn't eat during dinner).
I am ready for school to be over...7 more class days. It's all about survival at this point, haha!
I am ready for school to be over...7 more class days. It's all about survival at this point, haha!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Day 105
Thankful for fun days in class, surviving a 7 day detox, sweet texts from amazing friends, and daily reminders of God's truth.
Tonight I pray in desperation for those affected by the tragedy in Boston. My heart broke when I heard the news and I felt sick to my stomach. We, as a country, desperately need a loving Abba. I pray that God would at this exact moment begin to heal the injured. I pray that He would provide console to their families. I pray that His amazing peace would sweep over the city, so that the people would find rest. I pray for President Obama. I pray that he would gain wisdom from God. I pray that he would be a beacon for the Lord's will. Watching him tonight was a reminder of the stress he carries every day. Like presidents before, President Obama has begun to physically age. I pray that God would ease his burden. I pray for our military men and women. I pray for their safety and for clear leadership. Please join me in praying over this tragedy.
John 15:16 "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name."
2 Samuel 22: 3-4 "my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge, and my savior - from violent people you save me. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and have been saved from my enemies."
Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."
Tonight I pray in desperation for those affected by the tragedy in Boston. My heart broke when I heard the news and I felt sick to my stomach. We, as a country, desperately need a loving Abba. I pray that God would at this exact moment begin to heal the injured. I pray that He would provide console to their families. I pray that His amazing peace would sweep over the city, so that the people would find rest. I pray for President Obama. I pray that he would gain wisdom from God. I pray that he would be a beacon for the Lord's will. Watching him tonight was a reminder of the stress he carries every day. Like presidents before, President Obama has begun to physically age. I pray that God would ease his burden. I pray for our military men and women. I pray for their safety and for clear leadership. Please join me in praying over this tragedy.
John 15:16 "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name."
2 Samuel 22: 3-4 "my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge, and my savior - from violent people you save me. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and have been saved from my enemies."
Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Day 104
Thankful for opportunities to sleep in, productive afternoons, and prayer answering sermons.
Tonight's sermon was focused on the fact that we as believers are prone to drift from God. Umm...perfect much? There is a tendency in all of us to pull away from God and this has been evident throughout history. BUT! We have a God who does not leave us to our own undoings but rather provides us with guidance from His word and accountability from His bride, the church.
So often over the past month I have found myself drawn away from God either to things, tasks, or simply pure laziness. Then I'll find myself rushing back to Him asking for Him to evident and powerful in my life! I grow weary of this continual cycle! Even the most mundane thing can turn into a distraction that robs us of our affections for Christ!
Matt said tonight, "Our weaknesses encourage one another to greater holiness and create safe places for us to experience the love of God!" But yet we tend to boast about our strengths and make much of our accomplishments. We fail to honestly and willingly testify about our shortcomings and in doing so we prevent growth in the body. We try so hard to do things FOR God rather than THROUGH Him and begin to find our identity in tasks rather than in Christ and the adopting work done through Him!
Matt also said, "God doesn't love the future version of you, He loves you right now! He's already saved you, believer!" We need to quit trying to fix ourselves and rather turn our focus to God. We need to live for Him. We need to expand our vision and see past our nearsightedness. We require, which means depend on for success or survival, DAILY reliance on God. We need to live for today rather than jumping to tomorrow. What is God calling you to do TODAY? Where does He need you right now? Who has He placed in your life at this moment?
I desperately need accountability. I need sisters willing to lovingly display my blind spots, to honestly confess sin, and to walk daily in The Word to grow into Godly women. I need to stop focusing on my singleness and my "incompleteness" and rather focus on my completed adoption through Christ. I need to spend time in God's Word daily, to soak in His truths and to be molded by His love. I need to truly allow God to be in control of my life. I need to quit making check off lists that lead me to destruction when I fail to meet them. I need to be vulnerably open, in a way that allows me to be a tool for the King of Kings.
Continued prayers for Dad and his healing. Prayers for my uncle who may also be faced with a cancer battle. Prayers for 9 year old Catherine Brower who has been diagnosed with a malignant, inoperable tumor in her brain. I am SO exhausted with cancer but God is bigger than this. We must pray fervently and with expectation, knowing and truly believing that He is who He says He is!
Tonight's sermon was focused on the fact that we as believers are prone to drift from God. Umm...perfect much? There is a tendency in all of us to pull away from God and this has been evident throughout history. BUT! We have a God who does not leave us to our own undoings but rather provides us with guidance from His word and accountability from His bride, the church.
So often over the past month I have found myself drawn away from God either to things, tasks, or simply pure laziness. Then I'll find myself rushing back to Him asking for Him to evident and powerful in my life! I grow weary of this continual cycle! Even the most mundane thing can turn into a distraction that robs us of our affections for Christ!
Matt said tonight, "Our weaknesses encourage one another to greater holiness and create safe places for us to experience the love of God!" But yet we tend to boast about our strengths and make much of our accomplishments. We fail to honestly and willingly testify about our shortcomings and in doing so we prevent growth in the body. We try so hard to do things FOR God rather than THROUGH Him and begin to find our identity in tasks rather than in Christ and the adopting work done through Him!
Matt also said, "God doesn't love the future version of you, He loves you right now! He's already saved you, believer!" We need to quit trying to fix ourselves and rather turn our focus to God. We need to live for Him. We need to expand our vision and see past our nearsightedness. We require, which means depend on for success or survival, DAILY reliance on God. We need to live for today rather than jumping to tomorrow. What is God calling you to do TODAY? Where does He need you right now? Who has He placed in your life at this moment?
I desperately need accountability. I need sisters willing to lovingly display my blind spots, to honestly confess sin, and to walk daily in The Word to grow into Godly women. I need to stop focusing on my singleness and my "incompleteness" and rather focus on my completed adoption through Christ. I need to spend time in God's Word daily, to soak in His truths and to be molded by His love. I need to truly allow God to be in control of my life. I need to quit making check off lists that lead me to destruction when I fail to meet them. I need to be vulnerably open, in a way that allows me to be a tool for the King of Kings.
Continued prayers for Dad and his healing. Prayers for my uncle who may also be faced with a cancer battle. Prayers for 9 year old Catherine Brower who has been diagnosed with a malignant, inoperable tumor in her brain. I am SO exhausted with cancer but God is bigger than this. We must pray fervently and with expectation, knowing and truly believing that He is who He says He is!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Day 103
I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY! The weather was INCREDIBLE. I was productive for a few hours this morning, got to see and hug my sister-in-law, went to a minor league baseball team with Lindsey and Katie, and finished the evening laughing about PT school with some first years. So incredibly thankful for days like today which are an absolute blessing.
I was encouraged by a text message from a sweet friend today about her desire for close accountability. We had been each other's accountability partners before starting our first clinical rotation but after that, and with everything with my Dad, things had gotten "off schedule". I am blessed by her faithfulness and her desire to pursue the Lord closely. I know that the Lord will use her to be a tool in my life, to help me to grow closer to Him and more like Christ. I have been yearning for close accountability but was at a loss about where to go from there. God answers our prayers. I am looking forward to worship tomorrow back at The Village. It's been about 2 weeks and I have desperately missed the raw worship atmosphere of that church. I pray that God shows up tomorrow night in a way that is undeniably devine.
Also!!!!!! I just realized I didn't update about Dad! He heard from his doctor yesterday morning and his biopsy scans were all clear! Praise God! The treatment decisions were drastically different if the cancer was found in his lymph nodes. It didn't even hit me till last night when I tried to go to sleep but when it did tears of pure joy poured down. This has been a long journey for my family. Things are not over but we will celebrate this news and grow in God's strength to handle the days to come. Hallelujah!!
I was encouraged by a text message from a sweet friend today about her desire for close accountability. We had been each other's accountability partners before starting our first clinical rotation but after that, and with everything with my Dad, things had gotten "off schedule". I am blessed by her faithfulness and her desire to pursue the Lord closely. I know that the Lord will use her to be a tool in my life, to help me to grow closer to Him and more like Christ. I have been yearning for close accountability but was at a loss about where to go from there. God answers our prayers. I am looking forward to worship tomorrow back at The Village. It's been about 2 weeks and I have desperately missed the raw worship atmosphere of that church. I pray that God shows up tomorrow night in a way that is undeniably devine.
Also!!!!!! I just realized I didn't update about Dad! He heard from his doctor yesterday morning and his biopsy scans were all clear! Praise God! The treatment decisions were drastically different if the cancer was found in his lymph nodes. It didn't even hit me till last night when I tried to go to sleep but when it did tears of pure joy poured down. This has been a long journey for my family. Things are not over but we will celebrate this news and grow in God's strength to handle the days to come. Hallelujah!!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Day 100
WOW! 100 days of thankfulness completed! God is good!
Today I am thankful for productive days off from class, hot tea, cozy blankets, free movie tickets and Miss Lindsey Boer. I don't brag about that lady enough. She's been a rock to me since starting PT school and I would be incredibly lost and super grumpy :] without her. God knows exactly who to send to you in times of need and He is good to call people to speak their minds when you need to hear it.
Still haven't heard anything from Dad so continued prayers for a clear biopsy. I am hoping that he and Mom both were able to catch up on sleep and are enjoying the hometown.
Came across this verse this morning and LOVED it!
Isaiah 52:7 "How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'"
My prayer for this blog was for it to be a daily reminder to myself of how much God loves me and how abundantly He provides. It was meant to be an opportunity for me to take a few minutes each day to reflect on His majesty in my own life. I had NO idea that this blog would be a source of encouragement and strength during one of the greatest struggles of my life thus far. I am blessed every day by text messages, Facebook comments and phone calls from friends who have read my blog and have been consistently praying for my specific needs. They have indeed proclaimed good news, peace and salvation to me, constantly reminding me that God is sovereign and reigns over all!
I pray that this has also been of encouragement to you. That you have taken opportunities to thank our Abba for the goodness He bestows on you daily. He loves you with an incredible passion and He will never forsake you. You are His children and thus are entitled to the Kingdom of Glory. He knows you by name and He speaks to your heart. He knows you more intimately than person yet loves you without condition. Our tongues will never be able to profess His greatness fully but He is worthy of our praise!
100 days! 100 praises! God is good!
Today I am thankful for productive days off from class, hot tea, cozy blankets, free movie tickets and Miss Lindsey Boer. I don't brag about that lady enough. She's been a rock to me since starting PT school and I would be incredibly lost and super grumpy :] without her. God knows exactly who to send to you in times of need and He is good to call people to speak their minds when you need to hear it.
Still haven't heard anything from Dad so continued prayers for a clear biopsy. I am hoping that he and Mom both were able to catch up on sleep and are enjoying the hometown.
Came across this verse this morning and LOVED it!
Isaiah 52:7 "How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'"
My prayer for this blog was for it to be a daily reminder to myself of how much God loves me and how abundantly He provides. It was meant to be an opportunity for me to take a few minutes each day to reflect on His majesty in my own life. I had NO idea that this blog would be a source of encouragement and strength during one of the greatest struggles of my life thus far. I am blessed every day by text messages, Facebook comments and phone calls from friends who have read my blog and have been consistently praying for my specific needs. They have indeed proclaimed good news, peace and salvation to me, constantly reminding me that God is sovereign and reigns over all!
I pray that this has also been of encouragement to you. That you have taken opportunities to thank our Abba for the goodness He bestows on you daily. He loves you with an incredible passion and He will never forsake you. You are His children and thus are entitled to the Kingdom of Glory. He knows you by name and He speaks to your heart. He knows you more intimately than person yet loves you without condition. Our tongues will never be able to profess His greatness fully but He is worthy of our praise!
100 days! 100 praises! God is good!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Day 99
Thankful for easy class days, time to catch up on class work, solid workouts, Voice watching with the roomie and fruit.
Lindsey and I started a detox today. I am already starving, haha. Fruits only today. Veggies only tomorrow. Challenge accepted.
Dad called this afternoon and said he and mom are back in Rockport with my little brother. Praying that he and mom can catch up on sleep. Praying that he continues to heal. Praying for negative biopsy results.
Lindsey and I started a detox today. I am already starving, haha. Fruits only today. Veggies only tomorrow. Challenge accepted.
Dad called this afternoon and said he and mom are back in Rockport with my little brother. Praying that he and mom can catch up on sleep. Praying that he continues to heal. Praying for negative biopsy results.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Day 98
Thankful for long hugs from Dad, discharges from the hospital, uneventful drives home, road trip playlists, bestie dramatic group hugs, The Voice, and 7 day detox plans.
I am back in Dallas for the time being. Incredibly thankful that Dad was able to be discharged today. Chest tube was taken out this morning and then he went to my brother's around 4pm. He'll stay there tonight and if he doesn't have any problems him and Mom will head home to Rockport tomorrow. Beyond thankful for all of the prayers for quick recovery. Dad looks great. Continued prayers for clear biopsies.
I never thought I'd be able to say that I'm a pro at navigating MD Anderson, which is quite a feat. That place is a city within itself. It's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because the doctors and staff are incredible and the treatments are top of the line. I have never been so impressed by a medical facility and am definitely intrigued by the idea of working in such an establishment. A curse because my Dad has cancer and it's still a hospital. You can go crazy inside those walls. Today I just soaked in the greatness of the place and marveled at the sheer number of people running in and out, both patients and staff. Lots of kiddos were out and about today and while my Dad's situation is heartbreaking the idea of a 6 year old with cancer is beyond that. This one kiddo was sitting outside soaking up some sun with his family. I made eye contact with him (which I never want to stare but kid was ADORABLE) and he said "hey-ya!" and gave a big wave. I couldn't stop the enormous smile that I shot back and I wish that I would have gone over and talked to him. It was in that moment that I realized a couple things: 1] Yes, things right now are dark but there is so much light all around me 2] I need to come to God with an absolute child-like faith and 3] I have been blessed with health and abundance my whole life so even through this rough time I should be exploding with thankfulness, unable to contain my gratitude for God's mercy and goodness towards me. I pray that God would break down the walls around my heart and allow me to be completely consumed by His unequivocal love for me. I pray that I would yearn for time with my Abba. And I pray for healing. I pray for miracles at MD Anderson. I pray for The Light to illuminate in the shadows. I pray for the families, the staff members and the medical teams. I pray for a revolution of prayer within and surrounding that facility. I pray that lives would be changed by and through one name, Jesus Christ. And that through it all, His glory would be abundant and clear.
I am back in Dallas for the time being. Incredibly thankful that Dad was able to be discharged today. Chest tube was taken out this morning and then he went to my brother's around 4pm. He'll stay there tonight and if he doesn't have any problems him and Mom will head home to Rockport tomorrow. Beyond thankful for all of the prayers for quick recovery. Dad looks great. Continued prayers for clear biopsies.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Day 97
Thankful for my amazing and supportive friends, baseball, and sweat pants.
Didn't go to the hospital today. Dad has had a lot of visitors and we figure pd we'd give him the day off. :] he's still struggling with nausea so prayers for that to clear up and he still has his chest tube as well. Hoping to get that out tomorrow. We still don't know about the biopsy so pleading with God for that to come back negative. I will see Dad and Mom tomorrow morning before I head back to Dallas. Pray that God would grant me peace while I am back in Dallas and focus for school.
Today was another wonderful example of how blessed I am by my friends. I have been able to talk to all of my besties except for one today, and each one has such an important role in my life. I cannot imagine how I would cope without their texts, phone calls, and encouragement.
I am still struggling with trusting God and His wisdom. I am trying to rest on my salvation through Christ and not from myself, but this has been an attack point for the enemy. I know that His love encompasses all of my shortcomings, but I keep trying to "fix" myself. It's when I do this that I stumble further. Praying for His tangible love this week
Come Thou Fount
Come thou Fount of every blessing; Tune my heart to sing thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above,
Praise the mount; I'm fixed upon it: Mount of thy redeeming love.
Here I raise my Ebenezer, Hither by thy help I'm come
And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home,
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love,
Here's my heart. O take and seal it; Seal it for thy courts above.
Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wand'ring from the fold of God,
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed his precious blood,
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
O to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let they goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart. O take and seal it; Seal it for thy courts above.
Didn't go to the hospital today. Dad has had a lot of visitors and we figure pd we'd give him the day off. :] he's still struggling with nausea so prayers for that to clear up and he still has his chest tube as well. Hoping to get that out tomorrow. We still don't know about the biopsy so pleading with God for that to come back negative. I will see Dad and Mom tomorrow morning before I head back to Dallas. Pray that God would grant me peace while I am back in Dallas and focus for school.
Today was another wonderful example of how blessed I am by my friends. I have been able to talk to all of my besties except for one today, and each one has such an important role in my life. I cannot imagine how I would cope without their texts, phone calls, and encouragement.
I am still struggling with trusting God and His wisdom. I am trying to rest on my salvation through Christ and not from myself, but this has been an attack point for the enemy. I know that His love encompasses all of my shortcomings, but I keep trying to "fix" myself. It's when I do this that I stumble further. Praying for His tangible love this week
Come Thou Fount
Come thou Fount of every blessing; Tune my heart to sing thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above,
Praise the mount; I'm fixed upon it: Mount of thy redeeming love.
Here I raise my Ebenezer, Hither by thy help I'm come
And I hope, by thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home,
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love,
Here's my heart. O take and seal it; Seal it for thy courts above.
Jesus sought me when a stranger, Wand'ring from the fold of God,
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed his precious blood,
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
O to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let they goodness, like a fetter, Bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart. O take and seal it; Seal it for thy courts above.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Day 96
Thankful for lazy days, watching movies with the family, food adventures and walks with Dad.
Dad is continuing to improve every day. He is still having problems with nausea due to the pain medications but they are beginning to wean the meds down so hopefully the nausea will decrease as well. Doctor said his lung is no longer leaking air and very little fluid leakage as well. He will most likely have the chest tube removed tomorrow. Prayers for pain control as the work to remove him from the epidural, continued healing of his lung and for clear biopsy reports.
Dad is continuing to improve every day. He is still having problems with nausea due to the pain medications but they are beginning to wean the meds down so hopefully the nausea will decrease as well. Doctor said his lung is no longer leaking air and very little fluid leakage as well. He will most likely have the chest tube removed tomorrow. Prayers for pain control as the work to remove him from the epidural, continued healing of his lung and for clear biopsy reports.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Day 95
Thankful for Starbucks coffee, downtime with Mom and Dad, and baseball.
Dad looked better today. He has been up and walking and looks great from a PT side of things. His surgeon called him "the poster boy of thoracic surgery", haha! Doctor seems happy with how he's progressing. Hoping to get his chest tube out tomorrow or Sunday and to start weaning him off the epidural. Discharge was moved forward possibly Monday or Tuesday which would be awesome. Continued prayers for healing and for the results of his lymph node biopsy to be negative. This is going to be quite the journey for my family but I refuse to lose hope. God is bigger.
Headed to watch some baseball with my brother and sister-in-law tonight. I feel like I am betraying my Rangers by going to an Astros games but the seats are pretty amazing especially compared to my usual top of the ballpark seats. It will be nice to just breathe a little bit today.
I am constantly being uplifted by friends and am so thankful for everyone's prayers and sweet text messages. I truly rely on them to get through the day so THANK YOU ALL! I am learning that God teaches us even when we want to shut Him out. He chooses to pursue us even when we don't want Him. And at the end of it all, God is sovereign.
"...be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
Dad looked better today. He has been up and walking and looks great from a PT side of things. His surgeon called him "the poster boy of thoracic surgery", haha! Doctor seems happy with how he's progressing. Hoping to get his chest tube out tomorrow or Sunday and to start weaning him off the epidural. Discharge was moved forward possibly Monday or Tuesday which would be awesome. Continued prayers for healing and for the results of his lymph node biopsy to be negative. This is going to be quite the journey for my family but I refuse to lose hope. God is bigger.
Headed to watch some baseball with my brother and sister-in-law tonight. I feel like I am betraying my Rangers by going to an Astros games but the seats are pretty amazing especially compared to my usual top of the ballpark seats. It will be nice to just breathe a little bit today.
I am constantly being uplifted by friends and am so thankful for everyone's prayers and sweet text messages. I truly rely on them to get through the day so THANK YOU ALL! I am learning that God teaches us even when we want to shut Him out. He chooses to pursue us even when we don't want Him. And at the end of it all, God is sovereign.
"...be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Day 94
Thankful for successful surgeries, family, friends and Dad.
Dad went into surgery around 10:30 this morning. Around 1:45 pm his doctor came and talked with us. He said the surgery went very well and easy. He said, and I quote, "I really liked his anatomy. It was a fun surgery for me." Haha...whatever that means. He said the upper lobe came out fine and with little air or fluid build up. He also removed some lymph nodes from the area and found them all to be of normal size, shape and consistency. The lobe and lymph nodes will all be biopsied. We probably won't know the results for about 5 days. We will decide where to go after the biopsy gets back.
We were able to go back and see Dad around 4:30 this evening. He looked great and all his stats were normal. He was much more alert and oriented as compared to last time. His pain is being managed by an epidural which will stay in for 2-3 days. Dad will probably be in the hospital till at least Tuesday.
For now our prayers are for a speedy recover, continued pain control and for the lymph node biopsies to come back negative.
I am choosing to take each day one at a time so for tonight I am praising God for this successful surgery. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement. God is good to send much needed reminders of love and strength.
Dad went into surgery around 10:30 this morning. Around 1:45 pm his doctor came and talked with us. He said the surgery went very well and easy. He said, and I quote, "I really liked his anatomy. It was a fun surgery for me." Haha...whatever that means. He said the upper lobe came out fine and with little air or fluid build up. He also removed some lymph nodes from the area and found them all to be of normal size, shape and consistency. The lobe and lymph nodes will all be biopsied. We probably won't know the results for about 5 days. We will decide where to go after the biopsy gets back.
We were able to go back and see Dad around 4:30 this evening. He looked great and all his stats were normal. He was much more alert and oriented as compared to last time. His pain is being managed by an epidural which will stay in for 2-3 days. Dad will probably be in the hospital till at least Tuesday.
For now our prayers are for a speedy recover, continued pain control and for the lymph node biopsies to come back negative.
I am choosing to take each day one at a time so for tonight I am praising God for this successful surgery. Thank you for all of the prayers and encouragement. God is good to send much needed reminders of love and strength.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Day 93
I didn't really sleep last night but I woke up this morning with Never Once by Matt Redman stuck in my head and an aching in my heart to speak with God.
"Scars and struggles on the way. But with joy our hearts can say. Yes, our hearts can say...
Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful"
I woke up around 6:30 and couldn't sleep anymore so I got up and prayed but it was a struggle. I got some coffee and packed everything for the possible trip to Houston this afternoon. And as I drove around trying to get everything done i just started praying. In that moment I still felt fear and anger but I also knew that despite what my flesh has been telling me, I am not alone. I will never walk alone again. That is God's steadfast promise to me as a believer. I am a beloved daughter of the King of Kings and He will not abandon me even to my own selfishness and stubbornness. My friend Phillip texted me this last night: "Jesus says you'll never be alone...there's a reason why Paul said, 'labor with me in prayer.' Hold on hope that He hears you, you're His beloved daughter!! Respond to God from the identity-from your identity. That you are His."
Got to school early to talk to our Program Director and she directed the entire conversation back to Jesus. It was one of those beautiful moments where you weren't expecting to talk about God but He just showed up. She wrapped me in a hug and told me it was okay to cry and be angry. She told me that her office door was always open if I needed to release everything and then she reminded me that school isn't my main priority and that school will work itself out.
I then read a text from a dear sister who sent this: "your anger and the fact that you wrote those feelings is proof that He still has you, you are still His, and He is still doing a great work in your heart." Then this sweet lady sat next to me and embraced me as I cried again.
Spent the morning in class with lots of anxiety about Dad and his scan which only built as the day went on. Dad called around 4:30 and told me that the scan came back clear. He said that this doesn't mean this is a primary lung cancer but his doctor decided to proceed with surgery as planned.
So Dad will have surgery tomorrow, unless something changes (I am trying to remain flexible). The surgeon will remove the upper right lobe and the lymph nodes in the area. The tissues will undergo further biopsies to look for potential signs of metastatis. This is all I know at the moment. I am trying to take each day and each step one at a time. So for now, I am praying for successful and uncomplicated surgery tomorrow. For sleep and peace tonight for my family. For able and skilled hands of the surgeon.
I am currently in Houston curled up in a massive King sized bed at my brother's house. We will head to the hospital early tomorrow morning to hopefully see Dad before surgery. And then we will wait.
Tonight I will rest in the arms of my Abba. I will stand on solid ground. I will not fear because God has not abandoned me and will never abandon me. I am His, now and forever, despite my actions and words. I am His bride, His love and He sees me as worthy. He is my hope, my joy, my strength and my peace. He is my all in all. I will not be shaken for God stands with me. He does hear me and He will provide. I will not be overcome by my flesh. I will trust Him because He is good and because He loves His children dearly. Even if things turn south, I will have a beacon of light. I will not listen to lies from the evil one for I am no longer defined by me, but rather by Christ who makes all things new. Another friend sent me this verses:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)"
and
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)"
Even when I doubted God, He showed up. He showed up through text messages, professors, hugs, tears and The Word. My God is a might warrior who daily battles for my soul.
I am INCREDIBLY thankful for all of the prayers that have been said for my family, for friends who provide just what I need and for worship music that reminds me of God's goodness.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (Hebrews 4:15 NIV)"
"I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am"
"When the pieces seem to shattered
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that i don't feel you anymore
No, I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that you're still holding
The whole world in your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go
If there be a victory
Will you sing it over me now
Oh Lord, your peace is the melody
Will you sing it over me now"
"Scars and struggles on the way. But with joy our hearts can say. Yes, our hearts can say...
Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful"
I woke up around 6:30 and couldn't sleep anymore so I got up and prayed but it was a struggle. I got some coffee and packed everything for the possible trip to Houston this afternoon. And as I drove around trying to get everything done i just started praying. In that moment I still felt fear and anger but I also knew that despite what my flesh has been telling me, I am not alone. I will never walk alone again. That is God's steadfast promise to me as a believer. I am a beloved daughter of the King of Kings and He will not abandon me even to my own selfishness and stubbornness. My friend Phillip texted me this last night: "Jesus says you'll never be alone...there's a reason why Paul said, 'labor with me in prayer.' Hold on hope that He hears you, you're His beloved daughter!! Respond to God from the identity-from your identity. That you are His."
Got to school early to talk to our Program Director and she directed the entire conversation back to Jesus. It was one of those beautiful moments where you weren't expecting to talk about God but He just showed up. She wrapped me in a hug and told me it was okay to cry and be angry. She told me that her office door was always open if I needed to release everything and then she reminded me that school isn't my main priority and that school will work itself out.
I then read a text from a dear sister who sent this: "your anger and the fact that you wrote those feelings is proof that He still has you, you are still His, and He is still doing a great work in your heart." Then this sweet lady sat next to me and embraced me as I cried again.
Spent the morning in class with lots of anxiety about Dad and his scan which only built as the day went on. Dad called around 4:30 and told me that the scan came back clear. He said that this doesn't mean this is a primary lung cancer but his doctor decided to proceed with surgery as planned.
So Dad will have surgery tomorrow, unless something changes (I am trying to remain flexible). The surgeon will remove the upper right lobe and the lymph nodes in the area. The tissues will undergo further biopsies to look for potential signs of metastatis. This is all I know at the moment. I am trying to take each day and each step one at a time. So for now, I am praying for successful and uncomplicated surgery tomorrow. For sleep and peace tonight for my family. For able and skilled hands of the surgeon.
I am currently in Houston curled up in a massive King sized bed at my brother's house. We will head to the hospital early tomorrow morning to hopefully see Dad before surgery. And then we will wait.
Tonight I will rest in the arms of my Abba. I will stand on solid ground. I will not fear because God has not abandoned me and will never abandon me. I am His, now and forever, despite my actions and words. I am His bride, His love and He sees me as worthy. He is my hope, my joy, my strength and my peace. He is my all in all. I will not be shaken for God stands with me. He does hear me and He will provide. I will not be overcome by my flesh. I will trust Him because He is good and because He loves His children dearly. Even if things turn south, I will have a beacon of light. I will not listen to lies from the evil one for I am no longer defined by me, but rather by Christ who makes all things new. Another friend sent me this verses:
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)"
and
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)"
Even when I doubted God, He showed up. He showed up through text messages, professors, hugs, tears and The Word. My God is a might warrior who daily battles for my soul.
I am INCREDIBLY thankful for all of the prayers that have been said for my family, for friends who provide just what I need and for worship music that reminds me of God's goodness.
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (Hebrews 4:15 NIV)"
"I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am"
"When the pieces seem to shattered
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that i don't feel you anymore
No, I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that you're still holding
The whole world in your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go
If there be a victory
Will you sing it over me now
Oh Lord, your peace is the melody
Will you sing it over me now"
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Day 92
Today I am angry. I want so bad to put on a fake front and list everything that I am thankful for but if I am truly honest right now I am angry. I am angry at God in a way that I haven't been since probably before I was a believer. My heart tells me it's not healthy, that I need to trust and rely on Him but in all truthfulness tonight my flesh is winning.
Dad received a call last night from his doctor...apparently they were correct in stating that his cancer is not a melanoma but they jumped a bit too far in making the conclusion that it was a primary lung cancer. He has been diagnosed with a neuroendocrine carcinoma which can originate in the lungs but this is rare. The typical course for this sort of cancer is via the digestive system
SO...AGAIN...we are at a stand still. We are at "let's run some more tests before we do anything." We are at "we don't know what the plan is until the results come back" We are at...well I am at anger.
Dad will have a CT scan done tomorrow with a specific dye specifically focusing on his liver and pancreas. If something comes up on the scan they will not go through with the lobectomy because AGAIN we will be looking at chemotherapy.
I'm tired, no exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I am frustrated. I am scared. I am worn down and I'm sick of all of this. This isn't how it was supposed to go. If my Dad was going to have a cancer (which I had finally coped with) then it was supposed to primary lung cancer so they could remove it and we could move on. That's what I've been PRAYING for and PLEADING for. But that may not be the case. And I'm not okay with that. I know that I've prayed more about this situation than any situation in my life thus far and I feel like God isn't listening. WHY isn't He listening? I have prayer chains and prayer partners and prayer warriors and we're pleading and asking Him to heal and He isn't. I re-read that sentence and it reeks of bitterness and faithless anger, but that's how I feel. I've heard countless stories about how God doesn't always work the way we want Him to and how even in those times He has a plan. But tonight, I don't care about all of that. I just don't. Where is God tonight? Because tonight, even surrounded by my loving friends, I felt alone. I felt alone in my grief and fear and anger. How could it be that just a few days ago I was praising the name of God and tonight I can't even talk to Him?
That's right, I cannot pray. I just can't speak to Him right now. And I can only imagine how childish this all must sound but that's where I am right now.
So to the believer who reads this blog:
Dear Believer,
Plead for me because tonight I am overcome with my flesh to the point that I feel so distant from God that I cannot even speak to Him. Pray for my Dad. Pray that this would be some rare form of lung cancer. Pray that He wouldn't lose heart like I have. Pray that he feels God tonight and tomorrow and throughout this entire process. Pray that God shows up. That He does what He is capable of. Pray for me. Pray that I would wake up tomorrow and feel God's presence. Pray that I would realize that even in the darkness He is here. Pray that I wouldn't resort to coping the way I would before Christ.
To the non-believer who reads this blog:
Dear Friend,
This is honesty. This post is real. If this was a "Christian" blog I would never hit publish because this isn't how we are supposed to be. But this is exactly how we are sometimes, because we are still flesh and bone. We still feel immense pain. We still endure great suffering.
As I finish this post I realize one thing: I still have hope because if I didn't, if I truly had shut God out completely, I wouldn't have felt the necessity to write all of this down. So maybe I'll type my prayer because my lips aren't ready to move.
Dear God,
Where are you? I don't get it. I have been praying with urgency and expectancy for healing and yet I feel like I am back to day 1. I feel like I just found out my Dad has cancer all over again. Why? How could this be your plan? How could your plan be to take my Dad away when I've only had 24 years with him? It's not fair. And I'm mad at you. I'm tired and I don't want to be alone in this. I don't want to talk to you because I don't feel like it's helping. I don't feel like things have changed. I just want this to be over. I want to get a full night's sleep. I want to go more than 3 days without crying. I want to be able to text my friends good news. I want to laugh and not feel guilty about it. I don't want to hear "we'll pray for the best" because apparently your "best" and my "best" aren't lining up. I get that you are sovereign and that we can't possibly understand all you do, but could you just shed a little light? Above all, I want my Dad to have peace. I want him to be able to live. I want him to be able to go more than 3 days without having to have some scan or test or exam or surgery. I want him to go fishing and hunting. I want him around. I just want my Daddy to be around because I feel like a kid and I need him for so many things. Please God.
Dad received a call last night from his doctor...apparently they were correct in stating that his cancer is not a melanoma but they jumped a bit too far in making the conclusion that it was a primary lung cancer. He has been diagnosed with a neuroendocrine carcinoma which can originate in the lungs but this is rare. The typical course for this sort of cancer is via the digestive system
SO...AGAIN...we are at a stand still. We are at "let's run some more tests before we do anything." We are at "we don't know what the plan is until the results come back" We are at...well I am at anger.
Dad will have a CT scan done tomorrow with a specific dye specifically focusing on his liver and pancreas. If something comes up on the scan they will not go through with the lobectomy because AGAIN we will be looking at chemotherapy.
I'm tired, no exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I am frustrated. I am scared. I am worn down and I'm sick of all of this. This isn't how it was supposed to go. If my Dad was going to have a cancer (which I had finally coped with) then it was supposed to primary lung cancer so they could remove it and we could move on. That's what I've been PRAYING for and PLEADING for. But that may not be the case. And I'm not okay with that. I know that I've prayed more about this situation than any situation in my life thus far and I feel like God isn't listening. WHY isn't He listening? I have prayer chains and prayer partners and prayer warriors and we're pleading and asking Him to heal and He isn't. I re-read that sentence and it reeks of bitterness and faithless anger, but that's how I feel. I've heard countless stories about how God doesn't always work the way we want Him to and how even in those times He has a plan. But tonight, I don't care about all of that. I just don't. Where is God tonight? Because tonight, even surrounded by my loving friends, I felt alone. I felt alone in my grief and fear and anger. How could it be that just a few days ago I was praising the name of God and tonight I can't even talk to Him?
That's right, I cannot pray. I just can't speak to Him right now. And I can only imagine how childish this all must sound but that's where I am right now.
So to the believer who reads this blog:
Dear Believer,
Plead for me because tonight I am overcome with my flesh to the point that I feel so distant from God that I cannot even speak to Him. Pray for my Dad. Pray that this would be some rare form of lung cancer. Pray that He wouldn't lose heart like I have. Pray that he feels God tonight and tomorrow and throughout this entire process. Pray that God shows up. That He does what He is capable of. Pray for me. Pray that I would wake up tomorrow and feel God's presence. Pray that I would realize that even in the darkness He is here. Pray that I wouldn't resort to coping the way I would before Christ.
To the non-believer who reads this blog:
Dear Friend,
This is honesty. This post is real. If this was a "Christian" blog I would never hit publish because this isn't how we are supposed to be. But this is exactly how we are sometimes, because we are still flesh and bone. We still feel immense pain. We still endure great suffering.
As I finish this post I realize one thing: I still have hope because if I didn't, if I truly had shut God out completely, I wouldn't have felt the necessity to write all of this down. So maybe I'll type my prayer because my lips aren't ready to move.
Dear God,
Where are you? I don't get it. I have been praying with urgency and expectancy for healing and yet I feel like I am back to day 1. I feel like I just found out my Dad has cancer all over again. Why? How could this be your plan? How could your plan be to take my Dad away when I've only had 24 years with him? It's not fair. And I'm mad at you. I'm tired and I don't want to be alone in this. I don't want to talk to you because I don't feel like it's helping. I don't feel like things have changed. I just want this to be over. I want to get a full night's sleep. I want to go more than 3 days without crying. I want to be able to text my friends good news. I want to laugh and not feel guilty about it. I don't want to hear "we'll pray for the best" because apparently your "best" and my "best" aren't lining up. I get that you are sovereign and that we can't possibly understand all you do, but could you just shed a little light? Above all, I want my Dad to have peace. I want him to be able to live. I want him to be able to go more than 3 days without having to have some scan or test or exam or surgery. I want him to go fishing and hunting. I want him around. I just want my Daddy to be around because I feel like a kid and I need him for so many things. Please God.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Day 91
Thankful for productive afternoons, roomie Voice watching and country music,
Dad's surgery has been scheduled for THIS Thursday. I wouldn't have bet that he would have been scheduled this week but things are rolling along. So incredibly thankful for his doctor who has been so accommodating and thoughtful during all of this. I know God is continuing to heal my dad and will continue to build his strength. Thankful that my professors are completely understanding and willing to let me move things around. So ready for this surgery to be over so we can move on down the road. God is good...always.
Dad's surgery has been scheduled for THIS Thursday. I wouldn't have bet that he would have been scheduled this week but things are rolling along. So incredibly thankful for his doctor who has been so accommodating and thoughtful during all of this. I know God is continuing to heal my dad and will continue to build his strength. Thankful that my professors are completely understanding and willing to let me move things around. So ready for this surgery to be over so we can move on down the road. God is good...always.
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