Day 59

Thankful for phone conversations with my Daddy, co-worker lunches and fro-yo with my roommate.

Day 58

Thankful today for stress relieving work outs and amazing play lists. Thankful for awesome co-workers and "See you later!" parties!

Today my  co-workers took me out to lunch for my last week at work! I have been truly blessed by this clinic and their ability to take me in under their wings and teach me the ropes. They have been so understanding about everything with my Dad and so willing to teach me. I have enjoyed every minute of my time with patients and I am beyond excited about my future career! God has placed me in a field where I can see healing, strength renewal and His love every single day. I often feel completely uncertain about my future. Where will I live? Who will I meet? Where will I be next year and 5 years and 10 years from now? What will my life look like? But today I just have peace. I know that wherever I am going, and whomever I meet will be there because of a merciful and loving Abba. This life is just one part of an eternity with The Lord. His path is never wrong. His love never fails. I am realizing that we carry burdens we don't have to bear because we just don't realize how powerful prayer is and how powerful our God is.

"As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30

"You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be satisfied..." Psalm 63: 1-5

Day 57

I feel as though I am still soaking in the joy of yesterday's news about my Dad. I know that we are just beginning on this journey but God is showing up!! I am encouraged and blessed by all of the people who have joined my family in prayer.

In other news, I was able to observed a total hip arthroplasty this morning and it was incredible! Seriously. It's amazing what technology has done for the medical field.

“If you love me, keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. (John 14:15-18 NIV)

Day 56

GOOD NEWS FINALLY!! Dad had some diagnostic tests this morning to look at the 2 "hot" spots (one in his stomach and one in his colon) that came up on the PETscan and THEY WERE CLEAR! It doesn't look like they are other metastasized cancers so PRAISE GOD! Thank you all so much for the continued prayers! Dad's surgeon is out of the country (must be nice!) until the end of March so looks like surgery will be pushed back. BUT right now we are just praising the Lord for healing! I am so incredibly thankful for all of you. For your prayers, cards, sweet text messages and meals. You are amazing! I wish I could find a better way to say thank you!

Psalm 91:4
" He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Day 55

Thankful for delicious brunch, shopping expeditions and cacti. Oh and my friends are kind of awesome.

Day 54

Thankful for this awkward age of life known as your 20's. No one talks about it so you are completely unprepared and thrown off but it's a time of growth and ridiculousness. Happy new apartment Bekah!! You are such a grown up!

Day 53

Thankful for Megan Fenney and Rebekah Grmela!!!! Love them soooo much. I cannot even imagine where I would be without these two wonderful ladies. They are my rocks. God is so good to provide fantastic friend in times need. Wonderful ladies!!!!

Day 52

Thankful for understanding CI's, patients who are incredibly joyful during struggling times, WHATABURGER, Swamp People and Lindsey Boer.

John 8:12 "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk I'm darkness, but will have the light of life.'"

Day 51

Thankful for being able to hear prays throughout the day by patients and family member. It's so encouraging to hear God's love being spread. I can't believe that I only have 5 days left at Baylor. It's bittersweet.

I am also thankful for ridiculous run-ins at the gym with random neighbors and for my fashionable no-match socks which apparently are quite the conversation starter.

Psalm 112: 4-8
"Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remember forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes."

Day 50

Today was one of those off days. It happens. I love my friends though for always supporting me during crazy text rants.

Encouraged by this blog post: http://www.prodigalmagazine.com/gods-plan-for-my-love-life/
PREACH IT SISTER.

And encouraged by an old sermon from Matt Chandler today. He was talking about how Christ is the light of the world. And the fact that darkness is not just the opposite of light, but rather the absence of it. Our sin is a manifestation of darkness. When we are separated from Christ we are distant from God but IN Christ we are now the righteousness of God. And even more beautiful is the fact that, Christ is our advocate and our intercessor. When God looks at us, He sees Christ in all His perfection. The Cross has turned our darkness into light. Even though Christ suffered substantially on the cross, today, RIGHT NOW, He will carry our grief and bear our sorrows. He is a compassionate Savior.

Hebrews 4:15 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."

We have an empathetic high priest who enters into our loss and sorrow yet did not fall into sin. God watches as we stumble respectively yet He looks on us with grace, love, compassion, and empathy. We will experience heartache, sorrow, loss and grief but because of our adoption we can be joyful and hopeful in these times. And I will be joyful!

Day 49

Incredibly thankful for being able to start my day with The Lord. Spending time in The Word and then in prayer was such a blessing this morning because today ended up pretty hectic! God is good to provide rest and encouragement! One of my favorite patients today said "I'm going to stop looking down whenever we go walking. I've given the devil enough of my mind. Time to stomp on him while looking up to the Good Lord!" LOVE IT! :]

UPDATE ON DAD:
 So Dad went to the doctor at MD Anderson (yay!) this morning. My parents were both really impressed by the way the doctor and staff completed their exams. They felt that the doctor was very thorough and was looking at my Dad as an entire person not just as a potential lung cancer patient. Apparently, there were 2 other "hot spots" on my Dad's PETscan, which I was unaware of. Previous doctors had decided that they were not something to focus on but the doctor at MD Anderson said he'd rather be 100% positive they were nothing. This new doctor's mentality is that you don't mess around with lung cancer. You make sure you know what you are dealing with and you handle it appropriately right from the start. That being said, Dad will be having testing done next week to determine what these spots were. We are PRAYING that these are nothing, rather that they were just areas of inflammation/irritation. We are PRAYING for healing of these areas so that Dad doesn't have to worry about metastasized cancer. Once these tests are complete, Dad will be scheduled for surgery, if that is still the best option, which we are PRAYING it is because that would mean primary lung carcinoma. Dad has an appointment with one more surgeon next week as well and he'll pick between the 2 surgeons, one from Methodist and one from MD Anderson before going through surgery. Please continue to be steadfast in prayer as we await the results of further testing and prepare for surgery. God is good and I know everything happens for a reason. We are choosing to leave everything in His capable hands, trusting that He loves us deeply and knows us intimately.

John 7:38 "Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will from from within them."

1 Corinthians 15:57 "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

Day 48

Thankful for Matt Chandler and his God-gifted ability to make the Word applicable without dancing around hard subjects. I have been incredibly blessed by The Village church over the past 1+ year. I know that God uses the body of Christ as tools to mold us into His image.

Despite my daily posts about prayer requests I am currently struggling with my prayer life. I am great at praying randomly and quickly through out the day but I rarely set aside time to just sit and be with my Father. Matt put it so beautifully tonight when he compared our "rifle-shot" and "quiet time" prayers to daily conversations and date nights with a spouse. Both kinds of prayer are necessary in order to maintainable vibrancy in our relationship with Christ. So friends, I ask that you would pray with me for God to open our hearts to the areas in our spiritual life that we often push to the back burner. I pray that God would illuminate our trouble spots and provide us with accountability. As for me, I am choosing to set my alarm clock for 30 minutes earlier so that I can spend each morning drinking coffee :) and meditating on God's goodness. Then I'll spend time in prayer asking for Him to be ever before me.

I am also thankful for refreshing Sundays. I cannot believe that this week marks week 6 of my internship. The end is near!

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.” (Hebrews 12:28, 29 NIV)

Day 47

Today I am thankful for forgiveness. I have been working my way through an incredible and challenging book called "The Resolution for Women." It's one of those books that you read a chapter and have to stop because there is so much to absorb and reflect on. This week's resolution has been on forgiveness and it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.

Hebrews 12:15 "See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." <--Isn't this exactly what unforgiveness is capable of? It slowly builds in our hearts while we attempt to cover it up, but it burrows into our relationships through our thoughts (internal) and our actions (external). It's not easy to forgive and in reality it's impossible outside of a relationship with God. But it does require action on our part. It requires us to make a decision to move forward without incorporating all of the junk from our past. After that initial choice, forgiveness involves daily decisions to release the person and situation to God. Easier said then done, am I right? I mean I love knowing what is going to happen. I enjoy calendars, to do lists and check offs because they are reliable and consistent. But that's not how life works. That's where Christ comes in!

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. (Romans 3:23-26 NIV)

This paragraph hit me right in the heart: "You've tried to forgive. You've thought you were there. But then here it comes again-another betrayal, another broken promise, another blow to your fragile trust-and as a result, deeper hurt. Closed loops. Tighter circles."

And then: "Truly a wounded heart cannot open up to fully love or receive love. And one who harbors her wounds as some kind of protection against further wounds only tightens the hard places in her heart that keep her locked in circles, never escaping what's happened, stuck in her predictable ruts and reactions." Ouch!

But the good news is that we have a loving Father who already has granted us forgiveness by nailing it to the cross. How wondrous is such love! We need only to pray. Pray for resources, encouragement and strength so that we can exude the same love to others.

2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

Thank you, Abba.

Day 46

Thankful for productive weeks, for learning a opportunities and for Friday evenings!

“This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:2, 3 NIV)

Day 45

Wonderful evening with marvelous ladies! Chicken Parmesan, wine, cookies and SingALong playlist jams! God is good, y'all! :)

Day 44

so....
we are still on a stand still with Dad. Frustrating...yes BUT his radiologist seems to be incredibly knowledgeable and felt as though attempting to hit a very small target with a very small needle could lead to a larger problem than a benefit. That being said Dad's options now consist of a needle biopsy before removal of the right upper lung or an open biopsy of the entire tumor before removal of the upper lung. Both of these options will mean that he will not know what type of cancer it is before surgery which leaves my mom feeling anxious about having to decide the "right" choice. It still seems to me that even if this is a melanoma that has metastasized his initial treatment will be removal of the upper right lung. SIGH!! God is good though and Dad is feeling very confident with his doctors. Continue to pray for the surgeon who will be placed on my Dad's case. Hopefully all of this will be scheduled by end of this week but you never know. :)
Thank you all so much for your prayers today. I wish I had more of an update!

Even when we hit speed bumps God is in control of the road and I will continue to rely on His strength, wisdom and goodness.

Day 43

Today was my Monday but it was a short day because I had an appointment with the orthopedic doctor who was pretty wonderful. First off, he was an Aggie (whoop!). Second, he went to UTSW. Third, he realized that as a PT I am knowledgeable and am an important part of the rehab process. I love when doctors acknowledge this! Oh, and then he offered me a job. WIN! So if December rolls around and I have no prospects he'll be receiving a phone call. As for the results, I have a medial tibial stress fracture. Sadly, the only treatment is to stop activity for 3 months...I might lose my mind but I know I need to be careful with this so I'll do it.

Dad UPDATE:
Dad goes in TOMORROW for his biopsy. Pray that the doctors are skillful, that the biopsy has results and for God to intervene! Dad also has an appointment with MD Anderson next Tuesday to talk about treatment options which unless they tell him something completely different will include complete removal of his right upper lobe. Pray pray pray!

Psalm 86:11 "Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

Psalm 20:1 "May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of God of Jacob protect you."

Day 42

Thankful for productive days off from work, delicious coffee, knowledgeable doctors, and sassy haircuts.

Psalm 63:3 "Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."

Day 41

Feeling extremely blessed today. I love Sundays especially when I get to spend them doing whatever I please. Had lunch with Alley then ran some errands before coming home to watch movies and cuddle with Mr. Bingley. Received another sweet note from two wonderful classmates who also made me dinner! How blessed can a girl be? Oh! Then went to church and it was Celebration Sunday so I got to witness 5 baptisms and hear their testimonies of God's faithfulness and enduring love. Prayed with Phillip and then spent time with Lindsey. So yeah....my friends rock.

I am constantly lifted up by the people in my life and know that God has placed each one of them here for a reason. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and can only praise the name of Jesus for being the one to carry my burdens.

Ezekial 36: 22-28
22 “Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord God: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came. 23 And I will vindicate the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, and which you have profaned among them. And the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Lord God, when through you I vindicate my holiness before their eyes. 24 I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. 26 And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.[a] 28 You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God.

Day 40

Most ridiculous day ever. Worked at the hospital from 7am - 5pm then went to dinner with my CI and co-workers. RIDICULOUS. So thankful for amazing people in my life and for my besties who are always there for a good laugh.

Dad FINALLY has a biopsy scheduled for Wednesday morning at 10:30am so hopefully we will have answers this time next week. Trusting the Lord to continue to show up and be glorified!

Day 39

Today was a back to the roots kind of day...a boots wearin', country music blarin', texas accent sangin', Shiner bock drinkin', good Lord praisin' kind of day :] The weather is INCREDIBLE right now. If you haven't been spending time outside GO OUTSIDE! Seriously, it's gorgeous.

Went to the doctor this morning (and he was knowledgeable!) found out my ankle may be a bigger deal than I was trying to make it. Looks like I may have some joint change going on but I'll be going to a specialist on Tuesday for more imaging and tests. Not going to worry about it right now. I figure even if I have to have surgery of some kind I'll be able to walk. I'll be pretty disappointed if I can't run any more (especially when the weather is like this) because it's such a great stress reliever but I'll find something else to do. God is good.

Still waiting on everything with Daddy. Waiting waiting waiting.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:9-15 NIV)

Day 38

I have the most wonderful friends on the planet. Seriously. Bekah sent me an adorable note and "worry doll" from Guatemala. I definitely teared up and felt so loved. I may not always pick the best gentlemen but seriously my lady friends rock!

Hectic day at the hospital but in a good way. Had my midterm conference and things are going smoothly. I really can't believe there are only 3 weeks left!

Still waiting to hear back about when dad is scheduled for his biopsy so please keep praying about that.

As for me, I am praying for God to erase all the negative thoughts that have flooded my mind over the past few days about myself. Praying that He would continue to fill my heart with His love and that I wouldn't grow discouraged. I would be lying if I said that I hadn't been feeling lonely the past couple of days because I have but God has provided me with amazing people. It is always hard on me when I lose someone no matter what the situation. But I am trusting that God heals all things and it is okay to miss him. I can't be afraid to be open and honest about where I am in my daily walk.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)

Day 37

Another great day! No work today so I slept in and battled this head cold with medicine and Jamba Juice :) went for a stress relieving run at the local park in absolutely gorgeous 70 degree weather. Face time chatted with Bekah after and was reminded that "I make the rules!" Hahaha! I am feeling sassy friends! Tomorrow is my midterm conference for my internship. It's still crazy to me that I am over half way done! Not wanting to go back to school though.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord , who has compassion on you. (Isaiah 54:10 NIV)

Day 36

Wonderful day....FINALLY! Busy but productive day at the hospital. My CI and I had time to talk about how I've progressed and how I hope my last 4 weeks go. That's right people I am over the half way mark! What what?!

Dad went to the me doc in Houston and she's ready to tackle this cancer business. Hoping to have his biopsy scheduled for early next week which means results by the end of next week. Praying that it's a primary lung carcinoma, if so surgery to remove the upper right lobe will take place within a month or so. Dad sounds much better probably due to the reassurance that someone knows what they are talking about.

Finished the day eating delicious food, coloring and watching Model Behavior with Ms. Lindsey Boer. Pretty perfect ending....Justin Timberlake's white man fro never goes out of style.

Continuing to put all my faith, hope,and trust in God and His plans knowing that He is a kind and loving Father.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV)

Day 35

Today I am struggling with being thankful. I had a terminal lung cancer patient at the hospital, a hectic work day, a lingering head cold and frustrating boy drama. So yes, today I am struggling. I miss my family. I don't want to be in DFW while they are 7 hours away. I don't want to deal with the same old sad story when it comes to guys. I don't want to see what the end of the road could look like for my dad. I just don't want to deal with it today.

Begin angry girl rant:
MEN - Please grow up. I am saying this with all the love of your sister in Christ. Please. Respect and honesty go a long way and maybe I'm old fashioned and delusional but I believe in faithful relationships. I don't think it's too much to ask for you to be a gentlemen, for you to treat us ladies with dignity. To put it more bluntly....grow a pair. Sorry had to be said.
End rant.

Today, Lord, I want to curl up in bed with hot tea and a box of tissues. I want to be mad at you. I want to scream and yell and cry and repeat. I want to blame you for everything. I want to see you as the evil kid with the magnifying glass and myself as the helpless ant. That's what my flesh wants. But my spirit whispers...be still. My spirit whispers...be silent, I am here. I have not abandoned you. Today isn't a good day. It's an off day, but it is a day I have given you. Look for the joy, find the peace and I will comfort you....I have answered your prayers despite your stubbornness.

So I will be thankful. I give thanks for friends that have yet to grow weary of my constant flow of tears. I thank you for how refreshing it feels to cry. And I thank you for where I am in my life. 24. Single and strong. My faith will not falter because it's days like today when I realize that my faith is all I have and all I need , because you Abba are all I have and all I need. And for that, Lord, I am thankful. I will not allow myself to close of from the world. I will not allow the wounds I have obtained over the past 24 years to turn into scar tissue. I will continue to walk on the path illuminated by Your grace. I will be humbled daily. I will be open to hear Your wisdom even when it is the opposite of what I want to hear. I will believe that Your plan is better than mine and that sometimes it takes hardships and struggles and heart break to keep me on track. I will be steadfast in prayer.

DAD UPDATE: Dad goes to his new doctor in Houston tomorrow for an eval and consult. Pray that she would provide resources, knowledge and options. Pray that my Dad would have peace and would continue to fall into the hands of Jesus.

Psalm 46: 10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

Psalm 91: 4-7 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you."

Psalm 91: 14-16 "' Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.'"

Day 34

Incredibly thankful for this weekend. I didn't even realize how badly I needed to spend time with my family. Even in the confusion and mess, my family continues to be my strength. God is doing work in the hearts of my parents and brothers so I rest in His plan and timing. I am constantly reminded that He knows best and that He will provide. He is my Good Shepard and He will not lead me astray. My hope, joy, and peace come from Him.

Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually! Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered, (1 Chronicles 16:11, 12 ESV)

I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd. For this reason the Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it up again. (John 10:14-17 ESV)

Day 33

Thankful for Camelot the musical, delicious dinners with the family and relaxing lazy Saturdays.

God is so good. This was a much needed weekend with my family.

Day 32

Currently in Houston with the family - Dad, Mom, 2 brothers and sister in law. Incredibly thankful for a weekend away and for the opportunity to be together.

Thankful for triple shot caramel macchiatos, uneventful four hour drives, and family laughter.

Update on Dad: Dad's current doctor in Corpus didn't feel confident conducting a biopsy on such a small tumor so she suggested waiting a month to let it grow....ummm no. So Dad has an initial visit scheduled for Tuesday with a doctor here in Houston at Methodist hospital. There are multiple options for lung biopsies besides the needle biopsy which was suggested in Corpus so hoping this new doc can schedule one quickly. I know Dad is anxious to find out what's going on specifically so we can start this journey. Continue to pray for strength and patience for our whole family but also for us to find joy in the little every day things. I continue to believe that God's goodness will shine through. As for me, I still have moments when it seems that all I can do is cry but God has been faithful. He has truly blessed me with incredible friends that have been sources of encouragement, strength and peace. Thank you for your continued prayers. Our prayers are big because we worship an almighty God.

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" (Mark 4:39-41 ESV)