Thankfully Heart Broken

Over the past few days I have been reading about the Crucifixion of Christ. A story that I have had memorized since I was a child. It's something that most people read the week preceding Easter but I recently bought a new Bible that has a "reading guide" included. Not wanting to skip ahead I started with the most "basic" reading guide which details what these particular people saw as the highlights of Christ's life. The past few days have been the story of Christ's crucifixion written by four different men, you probably know them well, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

God this time broke my heart. Reading through Christ's last few days brought me to tears in a coffee shop. Reading his cries for God to free him of this destiny. Reading how he was mocked, beaten and literally left to hang in front of a mob of people he loved. For the first time, God made no attempt to sugar coat the story. He laid it out in front of me in full, honest detail, and I am so thankful. Isn't this what we tell everyone about? How our God would send his only son to die for us? And not just any death but a horribly painful death that would require it's own word - crucifixion. Why is it that we, well at least I, often find myself just skimming through it? I've heard it before, nothing new here. Jesus says so much in so few words "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit" (Luke 23:46). Read it again. Take it all God, Christ says. I'm yours. This life is yours. And I give it freely. I bind my spirit to you, forever. He dies without hate in his heart after being betrayed and left alone by his friends. This is our savior. This is the person God would chose to sacrifice so that I can live freely of sin. Me, the person that wakes up in bitter moods. The one that holds grudges and says hurtful things. The girl who still gossips and complains. God willingly gave up this man for me. Wow. Thank you God. Thank you.

BJ Higgins "I Would Die For You"

I was watching a video of a Breakaway sermon that I missed a few weeks back. The topic, missions. I had heard the man's testimony before during an I Am Second presentation on campus. He was born and raised a Muslim. At the age of 18, he gave up literally, his family for God. He was disowned by his father. His father would tell him at the age of 19 that as long as he would become a doctor that he would be proud and no longer deny him. At the age of 19, this man would be called by God to be an evangelist. He would run from God's plan, but eventually God took control of his heart. Again this man turned from his father's will. Powerful stuff.

At the end of his talk, he read an exert from a book titled "I Would Die for You". This book is a compilation of journal entries from a 15 year-old boy, who would die from a disease he contracted while in a foreign country. The passion that this young boy had in his heart for God and God's power to save, caused me to look at my own life and evaluate my priorities. I will be buying this book tomorrow.

I feel like God has taught me so much in the past 4 years, but yet I can only imagine what I have missed out on due to my lack of faith and perseverance. I have been thinking a lot about Richard lately. Richard was the young pastor I worked with while in Uganda. I will never forget the emotions that would arise when he spoke. I didn't understand a word he was saying but I felt every part of it.

I will continue pursuing God. I know that my life will only be complete through Him. I still don't know where my life is headed. :] haha!

Work in Progress

Over the past few months I have been doing some serious digging. I have been digging in the one place that I have always struggled to break ground - The Bible. Ever since I can remember I have been read stories from the Bible or given inspirational verses, but I for some reason have never been able to sit down and dissect the Word of God on my own. It's been a struggle that I have prayed about for years. After failing to find a Bible study group that worked with the ridiculous school and life schedule I have, I told myself it was time to buckle down. If I can focus on Anatomy for four straight hours I sure as heck can read the Word every day. And I promise you that I have felt more joy and peace in my life in those moments than at any other moment.

Today I was reading Ephesians 2: 11-22. It is one of those passages that you just have to read over and over. Not because you cannot understand it, but because it is so beautiful. In summary, Paul confronts the issue of Jew vs. Gentile. And Paul reminded me that we are a work in progress. God has reconciled us through the living, blood of Christ, but He isn't done with us yet. The words filled me with such peace and humility, yet at the same time reminded me of how powerful my God is! What a glorious collaboration of emotions!

The past few months have been a blur. Officially a senior in college, I have found myself so certain and completely confused. There are days where I feel like I know where my life is going and other days where I know it's going in a different direction. But through it all, God's light has shown. He's yet to leave me alone. He's yet to turn His back on me and all my issues.

I thought that the day I was accepted to PT school I would feel fulfilled and positive and ready. Instead, I felt nervous and unsure. Is this the path God is calling me to? Or is this the path I am following? Am I going down the wrong path, AGAIN? Is it fear? Is it security I search for? What am I doing? Who am I following? Multiple sermons following that day only left me feeling more hesitant about this life path I was on.

Do I have any idea what I am doing now? No, no I do not. But reading God's Word has been a solid reminder of His unending, all encompassing love for me. Why with such love being bestowed on me would I fear anything? My God is stronger than any uncertainty. I know that if I remain open to Him and available He will show me exactly where I belong.

I've learned that God has blessed me with certain gifts. It's not easy for me to look at myself and say "Hey! You are really awesome at [blank]" But I think it is important to look at yourself and see your strengths because these our God's gifts to us. So here's my list
1] I have a passion for people - I have a deep desire to help others
2] I have a brain that is crazy good at remembering stuff - seriously.
3] I have the ability to set my mind to something and see it reach completion.
4] I have a sense of humor - I love to laugh!

Do these gifts lead me to physical therapy school? Do they lead me to mission work? Do they lead me to teaching? I'm not sure. Sometimes when I really think of it I imagine this crazy mixture of all three. I'm this doctor who gets to teach others rehabilitation techniques and about Jesus, in a different country! Who knows?! MY GOD DOES!

Ephesians 2: 22 "And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit"