Day 93

I didn't really sleep last night but I woke up this morning with Never Once by Matt Redman stuck in my head and an aching in my heart to speak with God.
"Scars and struggles on the way. But with joy our hearts can say. Yes, our hearts can say...
Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful"

I woke up around 6:30 and couldn't sleep anymore so I got up and prayed but it was a struggle. I got some coffee and packed everything for the possible trip to Houston this afternoon. And as I drove around trying to get everything done i just started praying. In that moment I still felt fear and anger but I also knew that despite what my flesh has been telling me, I am not alone. I will never walk alone again. That is God's steadfast promise to me as a believer. I am a beloved daughter of the King of Kings and He will not abandon me even to my own selfishness and stubbornness. My friend Phillip texted me this last night: "Jesus says you'll never be alone...there's a reason why Paul said, 'labor with me in prayer.' Hold on hope that He hears you, you're His beloved daughter!! Respond to God from the identity-from your identity. That you are His."

Got to school early to talk to our Program Director and she directed the entire conversation back to Jesus. It was one of those beautiful moments where you weren't expecting to talk about God but He just showed up. She wrapped me in a hug and told me it was okay to cry and be angry. She told me that her office door was always open if I needed to release everything and then she reminded me that school isn't my main priority and that school will work itself out.

I then read a text from a dear sister who sent this: "your anger and the fact that you wrote those feelings is proof that He still has you, you are still His, and He is still doing a great work in your heart." Then this sweet lady sat next to me and embraced me as I cried again.

Spent the morning in class with lots of anxiety about Dad and his scan which only built as the day went on. Dad called around 4:30 and told me that the scan came back clear. He said that this doesn't mean this is a primary lung cancer but his doctor decided to proceed with surgery as planned.

So Dad will have surgery tomorrow, unless something changes (I am trying to remain flexible). The surgeon will remove the upper right lobe and the lymph nodes in the area. The tissues will undergo further biopsies to look for potential signs of metastatis. This is all I know at the moment. I am trying to take each day and each step one at a time. So for now, I am praying for successful and uncomplicated surgery tomorrow. For sleep and peace tonight for my family. For able and skilled hands of the surgeon.

I am currently in Houston curled up in a massive King sized bed at my brother's house. We will head to the hospital early tomorrow morning to hopefully see Dad before surgery. And then we will wait.

Tonight I will rest in the arms of my Abba. I will stand on solid ground. I will not fear because God has not abandoned me and will never abandon me. I am His, now and forever, despite my actions and words. I am His bride, His love and He sees me as worthy. He is my hope, my joy, my strength and my peace. He is my all in all. I will not be shaken for God stands with me. He does hear me and He will provide. I will not be overcome by my flesh. I will trust Him because He is good and because He loves His children dearly. Even if things turn south, I will have a beacon of light. I will not listen to lies from the evil one for I am no longer defined by me, but rather by Christ who makes all things new. Another friend sent me this verses:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)"

and

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)"

Even when I doubted God, He showed up. He showed up through text messages, professors, hugs, tears and The Word. My God is a might warrior who daily battles for my soul.

I am INCREDIBLY thankful for all of the prayers that have been said for my family, for friends who provide just what I need and for worship music that reminds me of God's goodness.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. (Hebrews 4:15 NIV)"

"I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am"

"When the pieces seem to shattered
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that i don't feel you anymore
No, I don't feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing
I need to know that you're still holding
The whole world in your hands
I need a reason to sing

When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go

If there be a victory
Will you sing it over me now
Oh Lord, your peace is the melody
Will you sing it over me now"