Honestly...

For the past month I have been searching for a way to write down everything I am about to attempt to put into words...confused yet? :]

Basically after returning from Uganda things for me were tough.

The first weeks back I guess I was in sort of a culture shock. It was really hard for me to handle people. It sounds so hard to say but it really was. It was hard to listen to people complaining about unimportant things. It was hard to not get the welcome home I in some ways expected. I came home to Rockport and of course my Mom, Dad, and brothers completely welcomed me home and wanted to know every little detail. I went to church with my parents and so many people came up to me not asking about the trip but wanting to know how blessed I felt to be home. I often found myself wanting to scream "I WAS BLESSED WHILE I WAS THERE!!!" I loved everything about Uganda and I felt like these people were saying "good you got THAT out of your system." Well I didn't get THAT out of my system. My extended family hadn't been completely supportive of my trip. It's not that they didn't want me to go but I don't think they understood WHY I HAD TO GO. It wasn't for a vacation or to just get away! God was pulling me to Uganda! I just felt like no one understood me.

I came back to College Station and just got completely swept away by life. I realized that I was behind on a lot of things like GRE tests, PT applications, volunteer hours, etc. I allowed myself to be consumed by this world and it's stress.

And than about one month after I returned from Uganda things got dark. I found myself not reading the Word, not going to church, not talking to anyone about Christ and not praying and talking with God. It was the darkest 2 weeks of my life. When I look back on it now it completely scares me. How after returning from such a humbling and opening trip could I lose sight of everything? I still really do not know but I can tell you it wasn't God pulling and dragging me this time.

After about 2 weeks I literally pulled myself out of bed one morning and went to church. The sermon was on Numbers 11:1-23 and it focused on 4 main reason with have doubt and discouragement. 1. Unrealistic expectations - what I expected when I came home was not what I received 2. Wrong perspective - No one cares about this trip, no one cares about me, it's all about me, AGAIN 3. Isolation from Others - no church, no community, no accountability partners 4. Forgot the Past - forgot about everything I had learned in Uganda like the importance of digging into The Word every day, surrounding myself with fellow believers and telling others about Christ. Basically it was like God grabbing my shoulders and shaking me out of this funk.

Than July 12th came. I received an e-mail from my Grandmother asking me about how I felt about what was going on in Uganda. I quickly got on BBC and read about the terrorist bombing in Kampala. I was sitting at my desk at work and I just cried. My heart literally felt like it was breaking. It was so surreal to me to think that I was in Kampala just months before. I put my head down and prayed for all the people I had met. That night I couldn't sleep. I stayed up listening to The David Crowder Band and Jeff Johnson, praying and talking it out with God. He drew me to Psalm 38 which pretty much summed up everything I was feeling.

All I can say if that I have nothing but praise for our God. He never pulls back from us and always fights for us. So many times we fall short of the grace He gives without condition. I know I'll never be perfect but sometimes I wish I could be closer.

Just a few days ago I had coffee with a dear friend and she just filled me with so much hope and joy. She finds herself in the position I was last October. God is pulling her to Haiti and she scared, but beyond all that she is excited about what God has in store for her. I got to sit down and have an honest conversation with her about how I was feeling and never once did she judge me. She offered prayer and support and love. It was so refreshing.

I know that I have a million things going on in my life but none of that matters without God. And I know that. It's so easy to become side tracked by the things of this world. The best thing about being in Uganda was having 10 days to fully devote myself to Christ by praying, praising and reading scripture. My heart yearns for this kind of intimacy with my Savior and my Father.

Of course now I cannot stop thinking about Uganda. I looked into Doctors Without Borders. Sadly they do not often have positions for physical therapists but I know that God will use me if I stay willing and open. Who knows maybe I'll end up doing medical missions with e3! I wouldn't complain! :]

As usual I am writing from a humbled heart,
Kathleen

"Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
‘Cause I cannot do it on my own
You're what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side ‘cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Without You I'm so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I'm falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus
I fall to my knees
And I'm begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won't You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name"