Uganda 2010

I told myself I would start writing before I left for Uganda but alas I did not. I kept a journal, hand-written!!, for the 10 days I was in Uganda so my plan is to update this blog each day as if I were in Uganda.

Tonight I will begin with the entry before my journey and will continue from there on.



So let's begin this journey, again. :)

May 1, 2010

I know, I know it's been about 5 million years since my last post give or take a few hundred years. And honestly I stopped posting because I found myself in place where I felt as though what I was going through and what I had to say just wasn't interesting or captivating or intelligent or worthwhile. I know that I am not blessed with clarity through words. I am not blessed with eloquence of typing. But sometimes I think that if I could just type it out I would feel better.

Why all of this lack of self worth? It's simple I am a 21 year old college student who has no idea where her life is going. I am single and scared out of my mind that this is my path. I am human and I am blinded by my own desires, expectations and fear of the unknown. I have been drawn to a path that is not easy.

It was not easy to pack up all my things and move 4 hours away to a school I never visited. It was not easy to choose "pot-luck" on my option for a roommate. It was not easy to spend my first month in college torn from heart break. It was not easy to set aside my pain and anger and turn to God and say "You're right, I am broken. I need you and not anyone else." It was not easy to watch myself go through cycles of obedience and then complete and total rebuke of His holy word. It was not easy to hear over and over "Rest in me my sweet child. I love you. I am all you need. Rest in me." And more than anything it has not been easy for me to watch as everyone else seems to live a life I see as "fulfilled".

Even as I type that last sentence my heart breaks. But at the same time I feel the Lord "put his hand upon my wound and whisper, rest in me." How many times have I heard the Lord say these words to me? So many questions I have cried to Him, no I take that back, I have YELLED to Him. WHY? Why would YOU CHOOSE this for me? Why would YOU PUT me in this situation? Why would YOU DECIDE this? WHY? WHY? WHY?

But then I remember. I remember that Christ suffered so much for ME. He died for ME. He too asked God WHY? In Mark 14 Christ prays to God "Abba, Father...everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." He cries out in Mark 15 "Eloi, Eloi, lema sebachthani?" "My God, my God, WHY have you forsaken me?" But yet He carried the cross and He died on it. And did God forsake Him? No! God rose Him from the dead and glorified Him. And through Him I HAVE BECOME THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD! (2 Corinthians 5: 21) HALLELUJAH!

Mae: You asked a beautiful question that got me thinking. Would the sixteen year old you approve? The 16 year-old me would not believe I am where I am right now. She would not believe that I am this person. Because the 16 year-old me didn't even know who she was.

I think back to being 16 and it seems like a completely different life. And then I realize, it was. My life began the day I truly accepted Jesus Christ. My life began the day I gave my life away. And that was not when I was 16.

I wish I could say that I always followed God. That I never turned away when He called. That I was always obedient and willing. I grew up in a family that attended "church". I put that in quotations because it is not the "church" that we are called to. It simply was a building. It was not a community of believers. For as long as I could remember Sunday mornings consisted of a homemade breakfast, church service, and lunch with family. This didn't change for me until about the 7th or 8th grade.

Now think back to that time. Middle school was definitely the most dysfunctional and traumatizing time of my life. I look back on it now and think "Really?!?" I attended a youth camp in 8th grade and for the first time I heard that Christ wanted to have a personal relationship with me. This idea of this intimate relationship with Christ was completely foreign but this was when God started to water the seed in my heart.

The following year I attended the same church camp but this time God rocked my world. He broke down the walls that I had built up around my life. In doing so, He brought me to tears. I cried and cried. I remember praying to Him and saying "I want to know you but you cannot give me the one thing I desire right now. I need a physical hug. I need to feel cared for." At that moment I felt a hug and at first I swear I thought I was delusional. I turned to see a girl with her arms around me crying just as desperately as I was. She had been in my classes all year. She was new in town. Her name was Chelsea.

I wish I could say that I gave my heart to Jesus on that day. That I repented. That I gave up this earthly life and followed God, but that's not my story.

Freshmen year continued. Heart break, laughter, drama, success, gossip, friendship, loss...a never ending cycle of ups and downs. Sophomore year came. Junior year came. Senior year came...And I remained, unchanged. I can honestly say that I fell in love. But it wasn't with the one person who loves me the most. I allowed myself to push aside any reservations to pursue him. Let me make it clear that I DO NOT blame him, I DO NOT despise him, I DO NOT hate him. We were kids who did not have a solid relationship with Christ and without that relationship our own relationship began to crumble.

Than one night after longboarding with friends you Maegan came up to me and you confronted me. I of course couldn't help but be enraged with you. How could YOU of all people JUDGE ME? Harsh, bitter, malicious me came out in a way I had never seen. I didn't want to listen to what you had to say. I rambled on excuse after excuse and walked away feeling justified in my actions. Let's just say that this was the moment God put MiracleGrow on the seed in my heart.

Over the next few weeks I couldn't think about anything else. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus. And then one night driving back from Wal-Mart (of course!) I turned to said boy and announced that I could not and would not continue this relationship in this way. Of course I was not strong enough to say "look here mister, this relationship is unhealthy for both of us and I need to diligently seek the Lord." But it was a start. I remember getting out of the car and running up to you, Maegan, crying. All I remember saying is thank you. And I want you to know that that was the night I accepted Christ. In that moment my world changed. But it was not easy.

I look back on the past three years at Texas A&M and cannot even visualize the person I was when I entered. God has continued to rock my world. He has provided me with friendships, accountability, challenges, love, guidance, joy, and so much more. He has taken my heart and shaped it to reflect Him! And I am completely undeserving! I cannot even express my feelings about His power in my life. Even when I falter I know that He does not turn away. He continues to pursue me and I am so thankful He is much more patient than I am. He has used me in ways that I would never have imagined. He has taken me places and put me in situations that I never would have experienced on my own.

And now He is calling me to be a missionary! WHAT?! Really? Broken, undeserving, faltering ME? YES! Now if that isn't a testament of God's almighty power I don't know what is.

The craziest thing about this whole journey has been the misconceptions that He has shattered. I guess I thought that as soon as I committed myself to this mission I would just miraculously become this saint. Well, let me tell you I have not!

I moved into my first apartment in August of 2009. Having a computer in my room for the first time ever I spent most of my nights staying up too late on the computer watching movies or playing games. One night after watching a bunch of I Am Second videos I clicked on an e3 missions link. Immediately I was sent to a website that said "PICK YOUR COUNTRY AND TELL PEOPLE ABOUT JESUS!!" (Or something like that) I clicked on Africa, than Uganda and before I knew it I was filling out my testimony. I clicked send, closed my laptop, and went to sleep.

Days past and I didn't think much about it. And then I received an e-mail from Lisa Svendsen.

Hey Kathleen! I wanted to introduce myself, I'm Lisa Svendsen and my husband Tony and I
will be leading the trip to Kapchorwa, Uganda next May. We are very excited
to have you joining us! I see that you found out about e3 through I Am
Second, which is wonderful, so I wanted to touch base with you and see if
you had any questions regarding this trip. Obviously, it is still awhile
before we leave, but please contact me if you have any questions at all! Looking forward to getting to know you and serving with you as we proclaim the Good News of Jesus Christ in Uganda!

-----WAIT TIME OUT-----
This is the point where I PANIC!! I e-mailed back with something like I thought this was more of an application process...blah blah...insert lame excuse here...thanks for your time. But Lisa would not give up on me. She continued to e-mail me asking how she could pray.

One and a half months later I opened my ears and more importantly my heart to the path that God was calling me to and I accepted my spot on the mission team. I cannot believe that it has now been over 6 months. I leave for Uganda in 11 days. And through these past 6 months God has shown me just how powerful He is. God has continued to mold me.

I had doubts about getting my parents to be okay with the idea. God handled that by laying His hands on their hearts and offering them comfort through other parents and friends and family members. I figured that raising the money for the trip would be a huge challenge. God handled that and provided over $2000 in the first month. I thought that getting all the immunizations I needed would do me in. God handled that and got me through all 8 without a single tear and without a cost to myself. I was sure that preparing for the trip and finishing up my last semester of Junior year would be impossible. God handled that by providing me down time to spend alone with Him and the greatest support from friends and family. This is what God wants me to do and I have never been this certain about anything.

So where do I go from here? I can only continue to pursue Him. I can only continue to pray. I can only continue to let my guard down. I can only continue to be humbled. I can only continue to remember that Christ died for me. I can only continue to rejoice in grace. I can only continue to spread the Good News!! I will mess up. I will fall. I will stumble. And I will with God's supportive hands get back up, brush myself off, sigh and continue on...