Day 92

Today I am angry. I want so bad to put on a fake front and list everything that I am thankful for but if I am truly honest right now I am angry. I am angry at God in a way that I haven't been since probably before I was a believer.  My heart tells me it's not healthy, that I need to trust and rely on Him but in all truthfulness tonight my flesh is winning.

Dad received a call last night from his doctor...apparently they were correct in stating that his cancer is not a melanoma but they jumped a bit too far in making the conclusion that it was a primary lung cancer. He has been diagnosed with a neuroendocrine carcinoma which can originate in the lungs but this is rare. The typical course for this sort of cancer is via the digestive system

SO...AGAIN...we are at a stand still. We are at "let's run some more tests before we do anything." We are at "we don't know what the plan is until the results come back" We are at...well I am at anger.

Dad will have a CT scan done tomorrow with a specific dye specifically focusing on his liver and pancreas. If something comes up on the scan they will not go through with the lobectomy because AGAIN we will be looking at chemotherapy.

I'm tired, no exhausted. I am emotionally drained. I am frustrated. I am scared. I am worn down and I'm sick of all of this. This isn't how it was supposed to go. If my Dad was going to have a cancer (which I had finally coped with) then it was supposed to primary lung cancer so they could remove it and we could move on. That's what I've been PRAYING for and PLEADING for. But that may not be the case. And I'm not okay with that. I know that I've prayed more about this situation than any situation in my life thus far and I feel like God isn't listening. WHY isn't He listening? I have prayer chains and prayer partners and prayer warriors and we're pleading and asking Him to heal and He isn't. I re-read that sentence and it reeks of bitterness and faithless anger, but that's how I feel. I've heard countless stories about how God doesn't always work the way we want Him to and how even in those times He has a plan. But tonight, I don't care about all of that. I just don't. Where is God tonight? Because tonight, even surrounded by my loving friends, I felt alone. I felt alone in my grief and fear and anger. How could it be that just a few days ago I was praising the name of God and tonight I can't even talk to Him?

That's right, I cannot pray. I just can't speak to Him right now. And I can only imagine how childish this all must sound but that's where I am right now.

So to the believer who reads this blog:
 Dear Believer,
  Plead for me because tonight I am overcome with my flesh to the point that I feel so distant from God that I cannot even speak to Him. Pray for my Dad. Pray that this would be some rare form of lung cancer. Pray that He wouldn't lose heart like I have. Pray that he feels God tonight and tomorrow and throughout this entire process. Pray that God shows up. That He does what He is capable of. Pray for me. Pray that I would wake up tomorrow and feel God's presence. Pray that I would realize that even in the darkness He is here. Pray that I wouldn't resort to coping the way I would before Christ.

To the non-believer who reads this blog:
 Dear Friend,
  This is honesty. This post is real. If this was a "Christian" blog I would never hit publish because this isn't how we are supposed to be. But this is exactly how we are sometimes, because we are still flesh and bone. We still feel immense pain. We still endure great suffering.


As I finish this post I realize one thing: I still have hope because if I didn't, if I truly had shut God out completely, I wouldn't have felt the necessity to write all of this down. So maybe I'll type my prayer because my lips aren't ready to move.

Dear God,
 Where are you? I don't get it. I have been praying with urgency and expectancy for healing and yet I feel like I am back to day 1. I feel like I just found out my Dad has cancer all over again. Why? How could this be your plan? How could your plan be to take my Dad away when I've only had 24 years with him? It's not fair. And I'm mad at you. I'm tired and I don't want to be alone in this. I don't want to talk to you because I don't feel like it's helping. I don't feel like things have changed. I just want this to be over. I want to get a full night's sleep. I want to go more than 3 days without crying. I want to be able to text my friends good news. I want to laugh and not feel guilty about it. I don't want to hear "we'll pray for the best" because apparently your "best" and my "best" aren't lining up. I get that you are sovereign and that we can't possibly understand all you do, but could you just shed a little light? Above all, I want my Dad to have peace. I want him to be able to live. I want him to be able to go more than 3 days without having to have some scan or test or exam or surgery. I want him to go fishing and hunting. I want him around. I just want my Daddy to be around because I feel like a kid and I need him for so many things. Please God.